I'm often asked why I decided to become a professional coach. The truth is, I had been "coaching" for about 15 years just because I love the process, but I didn't know it.
In this short video, I tell a story of a woman who helped to open my eyes. I hope you enjoy this little bit of my history...
True confession - I’ve been guilty of all these at some point - some more than others. You?
When I think that the "rightness" of my cause exempts me from my obligation to treat everyone with respect
I've become part of the problem
When I forget that I always carry a bias
I’ve become part of the problem
When I can't acknowledge that an opposing worldview has any good points to consider
I've become part of the problem
When I assume that I know all of someone’s beliefs
I’ve become part of the problem
When I dismiss violence toward any person or group as justified “payback”
I’ve become part of the problem
When I enjoy seeing my enemies humiliated
I’ve become part of the problem
When I resort to vulgar language
I’ve become part of the problem
When I clean up my language to appear civil, but am no less insulting
I've become part of the problem
When I support censorship (of any kind) to silence the opposition
I’ve become part of the problem
When I mock the leaders of an opposing viewpoint…
When I mock everyday people who support that leader…
Heck, when I mock anyone
I’ve become part of the problem
When I dismiss evidence simply because it came from an opposition source
I’ve become part of the problem
When I resort to using red herrings, hypotheticals, and confuse the issue instead of engaging in logical debate
I’ve become part of the problem
When I’m easily offended
I’ve become part of the problem
When I become an offense broker for other people
I’ve become part of the problem
When I’m intellectually arrogant
I’ve become part of the problem
When I discount the life experiences that other people have been through
I’ve become part of the problem
When I think that posting on social media fulfills my obligation to alleviate human suffering
I’ve become part of the problem
When I de-friend someone simply because they hold a different viewpoint
I’ve become part of the problem
When I think “fake news” only originates in the other camp
I’ve become part of the problem
When I only surround myself with people who agree with me
I’ve become part of the problem
When I think that there are only two sides to any issue
I’ve become part of the problem
When I think that I as a person am morally superior because my position is morally superior
I’ve become part of the problem
When people close to me tell me to tone it down a bit
I’ve become part of the problem.
When I never apologize or admit that I was wrong
I’ve become part of the problem.
When my need to be right takes precedence over preserving a relationship
I’ve become part of the problem
When I read this list and immediately think of other people who are guilty instead of looking at myself
I've become part of the problem
Good news - it's never too late for an attitude adjustment. If needed, now would be a good time to start.
I've been thinking how I can improve the gridlock and negativity around me. Obviously I can't turn things around by myself, but I can change the way I engage people who disagree with me. And I think Janus has one of the keys to do that.
Janus was the two-faced Roman god who had two different faces on the same head. The month of January was named after him because it marks the end of the previous year and the beginning of the new one. Looking forward and looking back at the same time. You’ll might see him carved on some older buildings over the doorway because one door is an both entrance and an exit.
“Janusian thinking” is the ability to understand that two apparently contradictory ideas can both be true at the same time.
It’s easy to think “Either/Or” when you have a conflict (the answer is either my way or your way, and only one of us can be right). But that just makes each side yell louder, demonizes the other guy, and brings out the inner jerk in all of us.
Try to think about it this way - just because you’re right doesn't mean the other side has to be wrong. Both/And ("Janusian") logic sees the strengths from all sides and looks for win-win solutions.
Take the topic of immigration for example (note: this is a vast oversimplification to make a point - negative rants on the topic will be deleted). One side argues for inclusion - that the United States was and should remain a welcoming, safe nation for immigrants of all races and backgrounds. The other side argues for the rule of law - that immigration should be regulated and done in an orderly fashion to protect national security.
These two positions aren’t opposites - they're just different. Both sides have a part of the truth, and policies that actually work need to include both.
Immigration is a large scale example, but the principle applies to all kinds of conflicts, right down to your own personal relationships.
When people in power force a one-sided solution, it isn't effective in the long run. The other side feels alienated and resentful, and when they get a chance they’ll just undo the previous work that was done.
Don’t keep that cycle going. If you want to be a positive force for lasting change, you’ll need listen to all sides and find win-win solutions.
It will take some humility and maturity, but you can do it if you practice.
P.S. A good place to start is The 7 Steps to Understanding Template
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You've probably read or heard this phrase in the past year, "Our nation has never been more divided." I don't know if that's exactly true (thinking of the American Civil War), but I do know that people from all camps seem to be getting more angry, judgmental, and close-minded without actually engaging one other.
How about if each of us decides to reverse that trend, one at a time, in our own small way? One great way to get a better grasp on things is to humble yourself and truly listen to a different opinion in a non-judgmental way.
To that end I'm offering the following discussion template - 7 Steps to Better Understanding. All you need to do is find someone who doesn't agree with you on a given topic (shouldn't be too hard, eh?). Then work through these steps one at a time - no shortcuts.
Dr. Stephen Covey wisely wrote,“Seek first to understand, then to be understood." So when you work through the template you're not allowed to counter with your opinions. Good listening requires that you shut down your "automatic-rebuttal-response" and just hear what the other person is saying. It's not easy, but do-able with a little practice.
So here it is.
7 Steps to Better Understanding
Notes:
I'm going to try this a few times and will tell you what I learn. How about if you give it a shot as well? You have nothing to lose and everything to gain.
Once again, I want to thank all my family and friends who supported me in the Covenant House Sleep Out With your generosity our full team was able to raise over $1.8 million to help homeless youth in the NYC metropolitan area.
Just a few observations from the evening...
1) It’s absolutely heartbreaking to hear the stories of abuse, neglect, and dehumanization that some of the kids have gone through. It truly makes you thankful for how good your own life has been. But then to see the progress, healing, and resiliency they demonstrate through the help of Covenant House (“the Cov” as the kids call it) gives you renewed hope and encouragement.
2) I was very impressed with some cutting edge studies that the Cov is doing in the area of human trafficking. They have top notch legal experts and sociologists who are serving with their expertise to get to the core of this problem, and their findings are being cited by other organizations globally because of the reliability of their research. Come to find out that homelessness is a big risk factor for human trafficking.
BTW, when I hear “trafficking” I used to think “transport” or shipping people - as often seen on TV. That does happen, but really 95% of the problem happens right at home with locals who are “groomed” by recruiters and then forced into being sex workers (85%) or manual laborers (15%).
3) You can literally “feel” the love and security in the property at The Cov. They call it a “sacred space,” where everyone is treated with respect and dignity because they were made in the image of the God who loves them. And I could see over and over through the testimonies and meeting the staff that they all live this out every day. It makes a huge difference.
If you’re ever in the NYC area, consider visiting Covenant House in either Manhattan or Newark, NJ just to see the quality of care and to feel the amazing love that is available for the teens. They arrive broken in so many ways but the joy of seeing lives being healed, and futures being restored will make you realize that your investment in Covenant House is well worth it.
May you and your families have a blessed Christmas season, and thank you again for being a part of the Sleep-Out.
Warmest regards,
Pete
P.S. Enjoy some pictures from the event below.
Candlelight vigil in Herald Square before the Sleep Out. Those are the Macy's window displays in the background.
Listening to a presentation on the excellent work CH is doing to address human trafficking (that's me in the NY Giants shirt).
My friend Jason speaking with Deepak Chopra. Yes, THE Deepak Chopra. He joined the Sleep Out, and we had a chance to pray with him.
My team. Rich Seidler is 3rd from the left, and is the one to blame for recruiting me into this 2 years ago.
The actual Sleep Out. The hoodie came in handy to block out the light from the street, and earplugs help block the noise. Much more bearable this year (48 degrees and no rain).
If you owned a Lamborghini, how well would you take care of it?
Lately, I’m pretty shocked at how rapidly the core morals of our society are being eroded and even legislated against. New social engineers are telling us that any restraints placed on our sexual behavior, gender identity, and value on human life are outdated, stifling, and are only there to keep us from experiencing true enjoyment.
But what if we’re looking at it the wrong way? What if God’s commandments are really given to us because of His love for us?
I like to look at it this way. Think of God as the manufacturer who made us – and we’re an incredibly complex machine capable of incredible feats. He made a handbook to tell us how to operate and maintain our machine – the Manufacturer’s Manual. That manual is the record of His commandments for us.
If we follow the suggested maintenance and usage guidelines, the machine operates at its optimum - the way is was designed to be. If we ignore the instructions, the machine doesn’t run well, and may even suffer irreparable damage.
Can you imagine someone with an expensive Lamborghini saying, “I don’t care what the manufacturer says, I’m going to use this car any way I want to. No one is going to tell me what to do!” And then he never changes the oil, revs the engine too high in the wrong gears, puts the wrong sized tires on it, and tries to drive it off-road like a Jeep? That would be crazy and it will ruin the car in very short order.
But I think that’s the way we act when we ignore our Manufacturer’s instructions. God gives us His commands out of love. He knows how He made us, what’s best for us, and what will hurt us. He gives us behavioral boundaries for our lives because he knows that violating them will cause heartache, physical and psychological damage. He loves us and wants the best for us.
So next time you’re faced with radical statements telling you to embrace what God has clearly prohibited, just remember – He’s not trying to make you miserable. He’s trying to protect you and help you function according to the design and purposes for which you are made. And that is what brings true fulfillment.
“Be who you is. ‘Cause if you ain’t who you is, then you is who you ain’t”
I just love this quote (attributable to Harry Hein & others). For some reason it’s common to identify an area where we have low or moderate ability and then compare ourselves to someone who happens to be an expert. The result is feeling inadequate and demoralized - it’s a real confidence killer.
My older brother, John, is a real charmer. He’s outgoing, funny, confident, and had big dimples when he was a kid making him the “mascot” of our neighborhood. He’ll still strike up a conversation with any stranger, and can quickly get them to open up to him.
Growing up in his shadow posed some challenges for me. No matter how hard I tried I never felt I could measure up in the same way, socially. And the more I tried to be like him, the more awkward things got. That led to me telling myself that I couldn’t socialize well. Which, if you know me today, just isn’t true.
The same might be true for you. Have you compared yourself to a very high standard of socialization and come up short? If so here are some things to tell yourself to help put things into perspective.
1) You probably couldn’t handle being highly popular, and you probably wouldn’t enjoy it either. We all have different capacities to manage friendships at different levels. Being socially popular takes a lot of time - time that you probably would prefer to spend on other things.
2) Your talents point the way to your purpose – If you’re an introverted, detailed person who loves to focus on concrete facts rather than on people, chances are that your life purpose isn’t going to be in role that requires a high level of socializing and relational nuance.
3) High visibility brings it’s own set of problems and constraints, so don’t envy that popular person too much. They are always under pressure to remember multiple conversations, personal details, and the latest social politics that can change quickly. They need to be guarded about how they express their true opinions, and they face jealousy from others because of their popularity.
So instead of trying to be someone you’re not, why not focus on becoming the best you that you can be.
Don’t you just love watching a movie that “speaks” to you? I just saw Tomorrowland with Lynn this past weekend, and I loved the themes it highlighted.
The central idea centers around the power to envision and create the future, and the courage of optimism. (Spoiler alert) The George Clooney character represents a young boy genius full of inspiration and invention, but who gets cynical and jaded as an adult. The Britt Robertson character is amazed at her first glimpse of the future and approaches it with wonder and hope. When she meets Clooney, her optimism and his cynicism clash and sends them on some wild adventures.
Eventually they both meet the Hugh Laurie antagonist in the future. His doomsday clock has the whole world convinced that the world is going to end soon and there’s nothing they can do about it. But eventually the good guys discover that the doomsday clock isn’t gaging the actual destruction of the world. Rather it’s simply brainwashing people into giving up hope so that the forces of evil can take over (end spoiler).
I thought was a really great metaphor for how the mainstream media is affecting our culture - trying their hardest to keep us feeling angry, victimized and fearful so that we have a diminished view of the future, and eventually lose hope.
I’m particularly concerned about the effect this has on young people. If you believe in a fatalistic, doomsday scenario you won’t bother to engage in doing the hard work of building a better future. Worst of all, the rest of us will never see the unique gifts that you have to offer.
So what can you do to counter the negativity trap that surrounds you ever day?
1. First of all, you need to recognize if you’ve developed a fatalistic worldview. Do you think the Earth is going to be devastated because of global warming? Are you convinced that racial tension is going to destroy your city? Do you think the world is going to descend into chaos until you die or are raptured out of it? If you think the future is pre-programmed and there’s nothing you can do about it, you won’t try to change things (after all they’re supposed to get worse, right?).
2. Be careful regarding the media outlets you choose to receive your information from. And yes, it’s always a choice. Don’t be a passive consumer. Start to question motives and agendas.
3. Pay attention to your emotional state. If you find yourself getting consistently angry or afraid, then you’re being played. That media company has found a way to tap into your core beliefs and manipulate you in order to increase their ratings. Find a different news source, and do it soon.
4. If the media you consume makes you feel like a victim that’s being oppressed by forces out of your control, they are coercing you so that you’ll depend on them to be your lifeline or your protector. Very unhealthy. Find another source.
5. If the logic they feed you causes you to hate or distrust a particular group or individuals who don’t believe the way you do, they’re training you to be a hater and you’ve become part of the problem. Find a better source.
6. If some of the people you hang out with constantly rehash negative news, politely change the subject. If they don’t take the hint, come right out and tell them that you hear enough bad news all day and you’re looking to enjoy some positive company, so let’s change the topic.
7. Replace negative media sources with positive ones. And if you hear some good news, repeat it. Help spread optimism to others. For example I love to read about scientific breakthroughs and inventions. So when I read about one, I’m sure to post it on social media or talk it up with my friends. You can do the same with stories and videos that highlight goodness.
So what news sources have you found that are balanced and don’t pull you into a negative mindset? Please let the rest of us know in the comments section. This is your chance to share it with others who could benefit.
My first year out of college was one of the toughest that I faced up to that point in my life.
I started my first professional job as an engineer. I moved to a different state and begin to carve out a life for myself. But after a month or so, I was like, "Hey why is it so hard to make friends all of a sudden," and I really started to feel the loneliness. And that actually got worse as the months went along.
My wife had a similar experience. In fact a lot of people will tell you that their first few years out of school were really tough.
Why is that?
First of all, in school you were surrounded by people your own age, and you had a lot in common with them. So it was easy to make friends. When you get into the "real world" your peers in your age group is just a small percentage of the people you need to interact with, say, on a new job. So making friends requires a lot more work.
Second, because your pool of potential friends was large when you were in school, you didn't really need to deal with people that weren’t easy to get along with. If someone has a difficult personality you just moved on to find a better friend. But in the real world your pool of candidates is much smaller so you can't afford to be as picky. And you’ll have to learn to deal with those difficult people.
And then third, in school you really didn't need to understand the basics of forming friendships. The educational system is an artificial environment, and friendships just happen naturally. Now that you're on your own you're going to have to be a lot more intentional, and learn those basic fundamentals.
So how do you do that?
Well you’ll need to educate yourself. I've made available a free ebook for you on this subject. It's short (it's less than twenty pages so it's an easy read), and it's called, “How to Make the Friends You've Always Wanted."
When you read it, you’ll better understand how friendships progress and how to set appropriate expectations. And it's loaded with practical tips to improve your social skills. You can download it using this link http://www.petecoaching.com/download/friendship
It's going to take some work, practice, and adjustments on your part to build your friendship base up to where you want it to be. But when you're armed with good knowledge it’s much easier.
I want you to succeed and not make the same mistakes that I did. So I'm wishing you all the best, and especially to the new class of 2015!
In the last blog entry, we established that if people aren’t reciprocating your friendship attempts, they may be otherwise preoccupied so you shouldn’t take it personally. They might be subconsciously saying, “it’s not you - it’s me.”
But what if it really is you? What if the reason you’re having a hard time making friends is because you keep accidentally sending the wrong signals?
To get some background, download my free ebook, How to Make the Friends You've Always Wanted. The last section has a list of practical tips you can use to improve your chances of social success.
First, ask yourself if you’re doing any of these blatant no-no’s:
Second, if things seem to go awry again and again for you, try to look for patterns.
If you can spot the root cause in a pattern and then adjust as needed, you’ll have learned a powerful skill. But that’s not an easy task given that we all have blind spots. That’s where a trusted third party can act like a coach. Ask them to shadow you as you socialize and then give you honest feedback about ways you can improve. And then _listen_ to their feedback without getting defensive.
And third, examine your overall state of mind and attitude. Don’t let these bad-boys continue to trip you up:
These take more time and deeper reflection to identify and root out, but don’t despair. The fact that you’re reading through this shows your desire to grow. Give it time, don’t quit, and continue to get feedback from some trusted friends. They'll usually be more than happy to help you improve.
So be honest. Has it really been you from time to time? If so, what have you done to adjust your course?
