7 Steps to Better Understanding

You've probably read or heard this phrase in the past year, "Our nation has never been more divided."  I don't know if that's exactly true (thinking of the American Civil War), but I do know that people from all camps seem to be getting more angry, judgmental, and close-minded without actually engaging one other.

How about if each of us decides to reverse that trend, one at a time, in our own small way?  One great way to get a better grasp on things is to humble yourself and truly listen to a different opinion in a non-judgmental way.  

To that end I'm offering the following discussion template - 7 Steps to Better Understanding.  All you need to do is find someone who doesn't agree with you on a given topic (shouldn't be too hard, eh?). Then work through these steps one at a time - no shortcuts.

Dr. Stephen Covey wisely wrote,“Seek first to understand, then to be understood." So when you work through the template you're not allowed to counter with your opinions.  Good listening requires that you shut down your "automatic-rebuttal-response" and just hear what the other person is saying.  It's not easy, but do-able with a little practice. 

So here it is.  

7 Steps to Better Understanding

1. Ask another person, “What is your opinion on ______?”
2. Ask, “What events in your life helped to shape your opinion?”
3. Respectfully (no sarcasm) restate their viewpoint in your own words.
4. Ask them if you got it right.  If yes, then go to 6.  If not…
5. Ask, “what part am I not getting?”  Listen, then go back to 3.
6. Ask them how this exercise made them feel
7. Only offer your opinion if they ask.  If not, you’re done. 

Notes:

• This method works for a wide variety of conflicts 
• The only goal is to understand their viewpoint.  You don't need to agree with it
• No sarcasm or arguing.  If you can't do that, it's a maturity problem on your part, not theirs.
• You haven't fully understood their opinion unless they tell you that you have (step 4)
• You should have no expectation that you'll get to offer your opinion.  If you do, that's a bonus

I'm going to try this a few times and will tell you what I learn.  How about if you give it a shot as well?  You have nothing to lose and everything to gain.

Covenant House Sleep Out 2016

Once again, I want to thank all my family and friends who supported me in the Covenant House Sleep Out   With your generosity our full team was able to raise over $1.8 million to help homeless youth in the NYC metropolitan area.

Just a few observations from the evening...

1) It’s absolutely heartbreaking to hear the stories of abuse, neglect, and dehumanization that some of the kids have gone through.  It truly makes you thankful for how good your own life has been.  But then to see the progress, healing, and resiliency they demonstrate through the help of Covenant House (“the Cov” as the kids call it) gives you renewed hope and encouragement.

2) I was very impressed with some cutting edge studies that the Cov is doing in the area of human trafficking.  They have top notch legal experts and sociologists who are serving with their expertise to get to the core of this problem, and their findings are being cited by other organizations globally because of the reliability of their research.  Come to find out that homelessness is a big risk factor for human trafficking.

BTW, when I hear “trafficking” I used to think “transport” or shipping people - as often seen on TV.  That does happen, but really 95% of the problem happens right at home with locals who are “groomed” by recruiters and then forced into being sex workers (85%) or manual laborers (15%).

3) You can literally “feel” the love and security in the property at The Cov.  They call it a “sacred space,” where everyone is treated with respect and dignity because they were made in the image of the God who loves them.  And I could see over and over through the testimonies and meeting the staff that they all live this out every day.  It makes a huge difference.

If you’re ever in the NYC area, consider visiting Covenant House in either Manhattan or Newark, NJ just to see the quality of care and to feel the amazing love that is available for the teens.   They arrive broken in so many ways but the joy of seeing lives being healed, and futures being restored will make you realize that your investment in Covenant House is well worth it.

May you and your families have a blessed Christmas season, and thank you again for being a part of the Sleep-Out.

Warmest regards,
Pete

P.S.  Enjoy some pictures from the event below.

Candlelight vigil in Herald Square before the Sleep Out.  Those are the Macy's window displays in the background.

Listening to a presentation on the excellent work CH is doing to address human trafficking (that's me in the NY Giants shirt).

My friend Jason speaking with Deepak Chopra.  Yes, THE Deepak Chopra.  He joined the Sleep Out, and we had a chance to pray with him.

My team.  Rich Seidler is 3rd from the left, and is the one to blame for recruiting me into this 2 years ago.

The actual Sleep Out.  The hoodie came in handy to block out the light from the street, and earplugs help block the noise.  Much more bearable this year (48 degrees and no rain).

Caring for your Lamborghini

If you owned a Lamborghini, how well would you take care of it?

Lately, I’m pretty shocked at how rapidly the core morals of our society are being eroded and even legislated against. New social engineers are telling us that any restraints placed on our sexual behavior, gender identity, and value on human life are outdated, stifling, and are only there to keep us from experiencing true enjoyment.

But what if we’re looking at it the wrong way?  What if God’s commandments are really given to us because of His love for us?

I like to look at it this way.  Think of God as the manufacturer who made us – and we’re an incredibly complex machine capable of incredible feats.  He made a handbook to tell us how to operate and maintain our machine – the Manufacturer’s Manual.  That manual is the record of His commandments for us.

If we follow the suggested maintenance and usage guidelines, the machine operates at its optimum - the way is was designed to be.  If we ignore the instructions, the machine doesn’t run well, and may even suffer irreparable damage.

Can you imagine someone with an expensive Lamborghini saying, “I don’t care what the manufacturer says, I’m going to use this car any way I want to.  No one is going to tell me what to do!”  And then he never changes the oil, revs the engine too high in the wrong gears, puts the wrong sized tires on it, and tries to drive it off-road like a Jeep?  That would be crazy and it will ruin the car in very short order.

But I think that’s the way we act when we ignore our Manufacturer’s instructions.   God gives us His commands out of love.  He knows how He made us, what’s best for us, and what will hurt us.  He gives us behavioral boundaries for our lives because he knows that violating them will cause heartache, physical and psychological damage.  He loves us and wants the best for us.  

So next time you’re faced with radical statements telling you to embrace what God has clearly prohibited, just remember – He’s not trying to make you miserable.  He’s trying to protect you and help you function according to the design and purposes for which you are made.  And that is what brings true fulfillment.

Be Who You Is

“Be who you is. ‘Cause if you ain’t who you is,  then you is who you ain’t”  

I just love this quote (attributable to Harry Hein & others).  For some reason it’s common to identify an area where we have low or moderate ability and then compare ourselves to someone who happens to be an expert. The result is feeling inadequate and demoralized - it’s a real confidence killer.

My older brother, John, is a real charmer. He’s outgoing, funny, confident, and had big dimples when he was a kid making him the “mascot” of our neighborhood. He’ll still strike up a conversation with any stranger, and can quickly get them to open up to him.

Growing up in his shadow posed some challenges for me. No matter how hard I tried I never felt I could measure up in the same way, socially. And the more I tried to be like him, the more awkward things got. That led to me telling myself that I couldn’t socialize well. Which, if you know me today, just isn’t true.

The same might be true for you. Have you compared yourself to a very high standard of socialization and come up short? If so here are some things to tell yourself to help put things into perspective.

1) You probably couldn’t handle being highly popular, and you probably wouldn’t enjoy it either. We all have different capacities to manage friendships at different levels. Being socially popular takes a lot of time - time that you probably would prefer to spend on other things. 

2) Your talents point the way to your purpose – If you’re an introverted, detailed person who loves to focus on concrete facts rather than on people, chances are that your life purpose isn’t going to be in role that requires a high level of socializing and relational nuance.

3) High visibility brings it’s own set of problems and constraints, so don’t envy that popular person too much. They are always under pressure to remember multiple conversations, personal details, and the latest social politics that can change quickly. They need to be guarded about how they express their true opinions, and they face jealousy from others because of their popularity.

So instead of trying to be someone you’re not, why not focus on becoming the best you that you can be.

The Future Belongs to the Brave

Don’t you just love watching a movie that “speaks” to you?  I just saw  Tomorrowland with Lynn this past weekend, and I loved the themes it highlighted. 

The central idea centers around the power to envision and create the future, and the courage of optimism.  (Spoiler alert) The George Clooney character represents a young boy genius full of inspiration and invention, but who gets cynical and jaded as an adult.  The Britt Robertson character is amazed at her first glimpse of the future and approaches it with wonder and hope.  When she meets Clooney, her optimism and his cynicism clash and sends them on some wild adventures.

Eventually they both meet the Hugh Laurie antagonist in the future.  His doomsday clock has the whole world convinced that the world is going to end soon and there’s nothing they can do about it. But eventually the good guys discover that the doomsday clock isn’t gaging the actual destruction of the world.  Rather it’s simply brainwashing people into giving up hope so that the forces of evil can take over (end spoiler).

I thought was a really great metaphor for how the mainstream media is affecting our culture -  trying their hardest to keep us feeling angry, victimized and fearful so that we have a diminished view of the future, and eventually lose hope.

I’m particularly concerned about the effect this has on young people.  If you believe in a fatalistic, doomsday scenario you won’t bother to engage in doing the hard work of building a better future.  Worst of all, the rest of us will never see the unique gifts that you have to offer. 

So what can you do to counter the negativity trap that surrounds you ever day?

1.     First of all, you need to recognize if you’ve developed a fatalistic worldview.  Do you think the Earth is going to be devastated because of global warming?   Are you convinced that racial tension is going to destroy your city?  Do you think the world is going to descend into chaos until you die or are raptured out of it?  If you think the future is pre-programmed and there’s nothing you can do about it, you won’t try to change things (after all they’re supposed to get worse, right?).

2.     Be careful regarding the media outlets you choose to receive your information from.  And yes, it’s always a choice.  Don’t be a passive consumer.  Start to question motives and agendas. 

3.     Pay attention to your emotional state.  If you find yourself getting consistently angry or afraid, then you’re being played.  That media company has found a way to tap into your core beliefs and manipulate you in order to increase their ratings.  Find a different news source, and do it soon.

4.     If the media you consume makes you feel like a victim that’s being oppressed by forces out of your control, they are coercing you so that you’ll depend on them to be your lifeline or your protector.  Very unhealthy.  Find another source.

5.     If the logic they feed you causes you to hate or distrust a particular group or individuals who don’t believe the way you do, they’re training you to be a hater and you’ve become part of the problem.  Find a better source.

6.     If some of the people you hang out with constantly rehash negative news, politely change the subject.  If they don’t take the hint, come right out and tell them that you hear enough bad news all day and you’re looking to enjoy some positive company, so let’s change the topic.

7.     Replace negative media sources with positive ones.  And if you hear some good news, repeat it.  Help spread optimism to others.  For example I love to read about scientific breakthroughs and inventions.  So when I read about one, I’m sure to post it on social media or talk it up with my friends.  You can do the same with stories and videos that highlight goodness.

So what news sources have you found that are balanced and don’t pull you into a negative mindset?  Please let the rest of us know in the comments section.  This is your chance to share it with others who could benefit.

Surviving your first year after graduation (or any relocation).

My first year out of college was one of the toughest that I faced up to that point in my life.

I started my first professional job as an engineer.  I moved to a different state and begin to carve out a life for myself.  But after a month or so, I was like, "Hey why is it so hard to make friends all of a sudden," and I really started to feel the loneliness.  And that actually got worse as the months went along.

My wife had a similar experience.  In fact a lot of people will tell you that their first few years out of school were really tough. 

Why is that? 

First of all, in school you were surrounded by people your own age, and you had a lot in common with them.  So it was easy to make friends.  When you get into the "real world" your peers in your age group is just a small percentage of the people you need to interact with, say, on a new job.  So making friends requires a lot more work.

Second, because your pool of potential friends was large when you were in school, you didn't really need to deal with people that weren’t easy to get along with.  If someone has a difficult personality you just moved on to find a better friend.  But in the real world your pool of candidates is much smaller so you can't afford to be as picky.  And you’ll have to learn to deal with those difficult people.

And then third, in school you really didn't need to understand the basics of forming friendships.  The educational system is an artificial environment, and friendships just happen naturally.  Now that you're on your own you're going to have to be a lot more intentional, and learn those basic fundamentals.

So how do you do that? 

Well you’ll need to educate yourself.   I've made available a free ebook for you on this subject.  It's short (it's less than twenty pages so it's an easy read), and it's called, “How to Make the Friends You've Always Wanted."

When you read it, you’ll better understand how friendships progress and how to set appropriate expectations.  And it's loaded with practical tips to improve your social skills.  You can download it using this link http://www.petecoaching.com/download/friendship

It's going to take some work, practice, and adjustments on your part to build your friendship base up to where you want it to be.  But when you're armed with good knowledge it’s much easier. 

I want you to succeed and not make the same mistakes that I did.  So I'm wishing you all the best, and especially to the new class of 2015! 

Umm... Maybe it really IS you - how to tell if you're the cause of social missteps

In the last blog entry, we established that if people aren’t reciprocating your friendship attempts, they may be otherwise preoccupied so you shouldn’t take it personally.  They might be subconsciously saying, “it’s not you - it’s me.”

But what if it really is you?  What if the reason you’re having a hard time making friends is because you keep accidentally sending the wrong signals?

To get some background, download my free ebook, How to Make the Friends You've Always Wanted.  The last section has a list of practical tips you can use to improve your chances of social success.  

First, ask yourself if you’re doing any of these blatant no-no’s:

• You don’t properly introduce yourself
• You seldom smile.
• You have some bad manners
• Your breath is offensive
• Your grooming is sloppy
• You ask personal questions too quickly instead of warming up with small talk
• You have a self-pity complex
• Even if the chemistry is wrong, you still try to push for a connection
• You judge people and pigeonhole them
• You’re preoccupied and not engaged in the moment
• You dump your emotional baggage before you’ve earned someone’s trust
• You share inappropriate personal details
• You talk about sad topics like death, health problems, or your crummy boss
• You talk about yourself too much and don’t show interest in the other person
• You don’t talk enough about yourself, leaving the other person with no sense of who you are
• You come across as a braggart by only talking about your accomplishments

Second, if things seem to go awry again and again for you, try to look for patterns. 

• Do people typically lose interest at a certain point in your conversations (like when you start to go into too much detail about your work project or your geeky hobby)? 
• Do you notice that they tend to pull back when you tell them sensitive personal information?  Stop doing that - it's backfiring on you.
• Do certain types of people tend to pull away from you?  Perhaps you have some bigoted attitudes you’re not aware of.
• Do you feel an icy chill come over your conversations when you start to spout controversial opinions?  Keep it more neutral and reserve your venting for your closer friends.

If you can spot the root cause in a pattern and then adjust as needed, you’ll have learned a powerful skill.  But that’s not an easy task given that we all have blind spots.  That’s where a trusted third party can act like a coach.  Ask them to shadow you as you socialize and then give you honest feedback about ways you can improve.  And then _listen_ to their feedback without getting defensive.

And third, examine your overall state of mind and attitude. Don’t let these bad-boys continue to trip you up:  

• Self-pity - I'm just doomed to failure due to forces beyond my control
• Self-centeredness – your world revolves around only your thoughts and interests
• Lack of respect for peoples’ boundaries and comfort zones.

These take more time and deeper reflection to identify and root out, but don’t despair.  The fact that you’re reading through this shows your desire to grow.  Give it time, don’t quit, and continue to get feedback from some trusted friends.  They'll usually be more than happy to help you improve.

So be honest.  Has it really been you from time to time?  If so, what have you done to adjust your course?

It's not you, it's me - or, why I'm brushing you off

In a classic Seinfeld episode, George Constanza thinks he’s found the ultimate break up line, “It’s not you, it’s me.”  How can you argue with the logic behind “There’s nothing wrong with you – I just have some issues”? 

But the same thing can happen when you’re trying to build your friendships.

I recently published an ebook – “How to Make The Friends You’ve Always Wanted” (it’s free and only 19 pages).   It describes the process of how friendships are built, and gives practical ways to amp up your social life.  But every once in a while you’ll find someone who seems like they’d be a great close friend, and they just don’t take you up on your initiative.  You might even try three or four times with all of your efforts falling flat.

Depending on your level of security that could really set you up for some self-doubt.  “What’s wrong with me?”  “I really want to be friends with that person, but why won’t they reciprocate?”  “Am I coming across too strongly?”

The good news is that most likely it’s not you - it’s them.  Most people won’t come right out and tell you why they’re passing you by, but they could be dealing with any number of issues:

• Their schedule is just way too busy 
• Their capacity to handle meaningful friendships is full right now
• They may be dealing with an issue like a death, major illness, or a tough breakup
• They may be in a controlling/abusive relationship that limits their freedom
• They may have been burned by someone in the past and tend to keep people at arm’s length
• You might remind them of someone unpleasant from their past
• The “chemistry” might just be off
• _________________ fill in the blank with your own reason

If you’re truthful, you’ve probably dismissed someone else’s friendship forays at least once in your life.  Can you remember a time like that?  What was your reasoning?  It probably seemed justified to you at the time, just like it does for this person.

So how do you handle it?  What can you do?

1. Don’t take it personally – tell yourself that everyone has issues from time to time
2. Grieve about it if you need to
3. Try again in 1-3 weeks/months with that same person (depending on what they told you)
4. If your feelings got hurt in the process, forgive them
5. If they were outright rude, be intentionally kind the next time you see them.  You have no idea what they might be up against
6. Keep building up your acquaintance and peer friends pool so that you’ll have more candidates to pick from
7. Let it remind you to renew your commitment to be friendly to people at all relationship levels

When you work up the nerve to invite someone to hang out and they pass, it can be discouraging. But instead of letting the incident derail your other friendship attempts, use it as a reminder to practice empathy.  After all, it’s not all about you.  It might be about them this time.

Can you name a particularly poignant time when someone didn’t reciprocate your friendship?  How did you handle it?  I’d love to know.

You can learn from my mistakes

There are people in this world who are popular, naturally friendly, well-adjusted, and seem to make friends easily.  Socializing is one of their natural strong suits.  

I freely admit that I am not one of those people :-/    

I've had to learn to socialize the hard way - through trial and error, and along the way I lost potential friends because of the "error" part.   I had a sincere desire to be a friendly, positive person, but I also had unrealistic expectations.

For instance, in an effort to "speed things up" I had a tendency to reveal too much personal information too soon, and expected an acquaintance to reciprocate.  But the effect was that it just made people uncomfortable.

Somehow by the grace of God I did manage to pick up a few nuggets of wisdom through the years. So, in an effort to pass along the goodness to others, I went and compiled some of them into an eBook - "How To Make The Friends You've Always Wanted - and not lose the ones you already have." 

You can download it for free at https://www.petecoaching.com/friends-ebook

At less than 20 pages it's a quick read.

Let me know what you think.  Are there bits of wisdom that you could pass along to others?  What other topics do you think we should address in the future?  

Maturity - The good, the bad and the "Ouchy"

“No discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful. Later on, however, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it.” Hebrews 12:11

Maturity is inconvenient.  

Maturity makes me face things head on and strips away my self-deception.  It’s like waking up on a cold winter morning wrapped in a snuggly blanket, but knowing you have to get out of bed.  Getting out from under that blanket and being embraced by the chilly air – yeah, it’s like that.   

For example, if I budget my time better, I have to say “no” to indulging my social media habit any time I feel like it.   

Confronting that coworker who disrespects me in front of my peers is uncomfortable.  I’d rather just smile and let it blow over and hope (aka “tell myself a lie”) that it won’t happen next time.  

If I forgive the person who hurt me, I might have to consider that he/she really isn’t full of evil and out to get me.  It takes effort to be gracious when I’d rather mentally rehearse revenge scenarios.  It also hurts my pride because I have to admit that there’s a possibility that I could be partly to blame. 

What might you need to deal with?

    Chronically making excuses
    Time management
    Money management
    Forgiving others
    Forgiving yourself
    Sharing credit
    Taking responsibility instead of blame shifting
    Confronting difficult people
    Asking others if I am the difficult person
    Being honest about your own prejudices
    Accepting limitations
    Putting others’ interests before your own
    (Fill in your immaturity blank here) __________
    (Go ahead - add another) ___________
    (And one more for good measure) __________
    
OK, the bad news is we all have areas where we get stuck.  But here’s the good news…

You get to decide how quickly you want to mature.

That’s right.   You can choose to prolong the process, hope other people will somehow pick up on your passive/aggressive “hints,” be overly sensitive, whine about it, and announce to everyone around you how your situation is so tough.  Or you can deal with your difficulty head on, face the pain and get it over with quickly. 

It’s kind of like removing a band-aid.  If you peel it off slowly it just prolongs the “ouch” factor.  You might as well just yank it off.  Yeah it hurts a bit more, but you get it over with all at once and then you move on and forget about it.  

Funny how when we face down our fears, they rarely amount to the disasters we thought they would be.  And then we just move on to better things.

So, what are some of the band-aids that you need to remove?  Do you have a story of how you avoided a maturity area, but when you finally acted it was far easier than you thought?  Let me know.  I’d love to hear from you.