A Surprising Barrier to Success

Sometimes the biggest barrier to success is... success!

I know that we've all been taught that success breeds more success, that it builds momentum, and is just generally awesome.  All true.

But sometimes, a prior big win can have a powerful delusional effect, causing you to think that you have this success thing down to a formula.   Then you try to re-apply that formula to your new situations but, you don't get the same results.

And here's why - often times your personal "big win” had other factors involved that you may have conveniently overlooked.  For instance:

• The quality of your team usually has a much bigger impact than you realized while you're working with them.  
   
• The company's leadership made good decisions to create the right environment and give you a platform to succeed.  Without those you wouldn't have had a chance
   
• You might have just been in the right place at the right time with the right product or service.  In other words, you got lucky.  But the success story that you tell yourself is that your own brilliance saved the day.

Truth be told, this is what happened to me.  Click the short video below to hear my story as well as some practical tips to get unstuck if you're in a similar place.  

There’s more success waiting for you down the line - maybe even your biggest win yet - and I want to make sure that you keep moving forward.

The Secret to Job Satisfaction

Both your identity (who you are) and your performance (what you do) are important, but the way you prioritize them makes all the difference in the world.  

A good friend of mine was an engineer at a clothing manufacturing company. He was "in his zone" using his talents and skills, and got great results for the company.  

He was an outgoing, gregarious guy. So In order to “reward” him for his strong performance, the CEO promoted him to a new role in public relations so he could travel globally with the C-suite.

But having to tell half-truths and constantly “spin” bad news as the PR contact really went against my friend’s core values. And in a matter of a weeks he was in the hospital with heart palpitations due to anxiety.

The demands to perform were violating his identity.

This story has a happy ending, though.  Join me in this short video as I unpack how identity and performance play off of each other, and show how you can leverage them to your advantage.

You actually CAN change your past!

You might be thinking that this blog title is science fiction.  And that unless someone invents time travel, the past is fixed and there’s nothing you can do about it.  

Well, there actually is something very powerful you can do about it.  Because when you change the story, it changes everything!  

I'd love to hear how this principle has worked for you.

Flipping your job search on its head

In today’s blog, I share a story of how I did a "one-eighty" in my job hunting process.  It was so revolutionary that it changed the entire way I think about my career.

I've seen this process work for many of my clients.  I hope it encourages you and gives you a new way of seeing how you can make a difference in the world.

Avoid These Five Clarity Killers

Note: I received more likes and comments on my last blog post about clarity than any other so far.  So I thought I’d unpack the topic a bit more.  I hope that one of these speaks to you so that you can get unstuck and keep moving forward.

Killer #1 - Looking for a Silver Bullet.  This killer comes from thinking that clarity on your life purpose will answer every unsolved issue in your life.  It won’t.  To be sure, clarity does help to “make sense” of life and brings focus and energy, but we’re talking about an overarching concept here.  Clarity doesn’t need to address every nuanced detail of your talents, history, and desires.  In fact the simpler it is, the more powerful its effect.

The antidote? Lower your expectations and learn to dance with the mysteries of life.  Look for the one thing that you really want to do, that uses your favorite talents, and propels you to make a real difference in the world.  Everything else is window dressing.

Killer #2 - Keeping your options open.  Are you hedging your bets?  Love to have a backup plan?  Honestly, that’s actually just the fear of failure.  But real clarity requires me to pick a path and say “no” to other options.  In fact, that’s a big part of its power - it clears away the clutter.  No more wandering around trying to find the perfect fit.  Just make up your mind and go for it. 

You might be under this killer’s influence if your life purpose statement overly broad.  Far too many people tell me their purpose is “To help people wherever I can,” or “To make the world a better place.”  If that’s your situation, you’ll need to do some deeper soul-searching and get more specific. 

Killer #3 - Expecting a lightning bolt to accompany it, or the Hallelujah Chorus, or goosebumps.  Fill in your expected epiphany signal here _______.  Clarity on your life purpose is so meaningful that when it shows up you may think it will arrive with fanfare.

But here’s the truth - because you live with yourself every day, and your exceptional talents come so easily to you, the tendency is to discount them as ordinary.  In fact, chances are very good that in the past month someone in your life complimented you on a key part of your life purpose, but it barely registered.  You may have even thought, “Thank you, Captain Obvious.”  And your search continues for something else “out there.”

Here's a helpful hack - be on the alert for unsolicited compliments and write them down. They’re a big clue to the strengths others see in you that you might be missing.

Hyper-hack - Speed up the process by proactively soliciting feedback from your friends and family.  You could try any one of these or make up your own:
     - What do you think are my top 5 strengths?
     - What’s the main impact that I bring to the world?
     - What do I seem most passionate about?

Killer #4 - Thinking that it’s locked in stone.  This one says, “How can I say with any kind of certainty what I’ll be doing twenty years from now?  My interests have already changed multiple times so far in my life, so they’re bound to change again.” 

The best way to deal with this one is to just accept that your understanding of your life purpose will change over time.  In fact, if it doesn’t change then you’re not growing as a person.  But that doesn’t get you off the hook of needing a guiding compass now. 

Try setting your sights only on the next three years and say, “To the best of my knowledge about the world and myself at this point in time, my purpose in life is _________.”  Then date it, and revisit it in 3-5 years. 

Killer #5 - Lack of self-awareness, is one of the most common hindrances.  Do you know how you’re wired?  Are you in touch with your passions and desires?  When do you feel like you’re most alive?  This is where skilled coaching can make a big difference. A certified life coach is trained to help you quickly gain clarity through assessment tools and powerful questions, and has a trained ear to be a sounding board. 

One of the greatest joys I have is helping my clients sort through the clutter in their minds to get in touch with their calling.  Then they can see their past life events differently, which transforms their outlook for the future.  Powerful!

Did I miss something?  What’s keeping you from zeroing in on your calling and being able to state it with confidence?  Let’s talk.

Clarity.

For years I struggled with the concept of understanding my “calling” or life purpose.  I know that I want to make a difference in the world, and I try to do that in small ways each day.  But I have a wide variety of interests, skills, and talents that don’t seem to come under one cohesive idea that I could say is my “calling.” 

This really bugs me, and it has for years.  Especially when someone asks me what I'd really like to do, or when I need to set some long range goals.  These trigger a downward spiral of angst and thoughts of “what do you want to be when you grow up?”

For decades I labored under a wrong mindset that clarity on my calling would come to me in an a-ha moment.  It would appear as some new overarching concept that would corral my complexity, explain why I am the way I am, and blaze a path forward into my future. 

But that magic moment never came.  I’d get insights and glimpses along the way, but then I’d complicate them with thoughts of “OK, but what about this area, and this skill, and this experience?  Where do they fit in?”  And then I’d be back in a muddle.

Then one morning I was journaling and I had an insight that changed everything.  Clarity isn't about explaining everything in your life.  Instead, it’s identifying the one thing that you know you want to do - that thing that’s already inside of you - and not getting distracted by everything else. 

It’s actually a process of removal - of burning off the fog of complication and outside expectations so only the one thing remains - and then protecting its simplicity.

So I decided to run with this new mindset.  I asked my gut, “without thinking about it, if someone asked you what your purpose is, what would you say?” And I just blurted it out – “Helping people find their calling.” (ironic, huh?)

This didn’t come as a lightning bolt - in fact it was kind of underwhelming.   I’ve been doing this for so long and I’m so close to it that I actually devalued it.   I thought that if it was that important it needed to be harder, or more complex, or more difficult.  Turns out that’s not the case.

Now I’m using my mental energy to keep it simple and not overcomplicate it.

How about you?  What's your main thing?  Are you overcomplicating it or thinking it’s not good enough?  I’d love to hear your thoughts.

Q & A: Why did you become a coach?

I'm often asked why I decided to become a professional coach.  The truth is, I had been "coaching" for about 15 years just because I love the process, but I didn't know it.  

In this short video, I tell a story of a woman who helped to open my eyes.  I hope you enjoy this little bit of my history...

Signs that I’ve become part of the problem

True confession - I’ve been guilty of all these at some point - some more than others.  You?

When I think that the "rightness" of my cause exempts me from my obligation to treat everyone with respect
           I've become part of the problem

When I forget that I always carry a bias
            I’ve become part of the problem

When I can't acknowledge that an opposing worldview has any good points to consider
            I've become part of the problem

When I assume that I know all of someone’s beliefs
            I’ve become part of the problem

When I dismiss violence toward any person or group as justified “payback”
            I’ve become part of the problem

When I enjoy seeing my enemies humiliated
            I’ve become part of the problem

When I resort to vulgar language
            I’ve become part of the problem   

When I clean up my language to appear civil, but am no less insulting
            I've become part of the problem

When I support censorship (of any kind) to silence the opposition
            I’ve become part of the problem

When I mock the leaders of an opposing viewpoint…
When I mock everyday people who support that leader…
Heck, when I mock anyone
            I’ve become part of the problem

When I dismiss evidence simply because it came from an opposition source
            I’ve become part of the problem

When I resort to using red herrings, hypotheticals, and confuse the issue instead of engaging in logical debate
            I’ve become part of the problem

When I’m easily offended
            I’ve become part of the problem

When I become an offense broker for other people
            I’ve become part of the problem

When I’m intellectually arrogant
            I’ve become part of the problem

When I discount the life experiences that other people have been through
            I’ve become part of the problem

When I think that posting on social media fulfills my obligation to alleviate human suffering
            I’ve become part of the problem

When I de-friend someone simply because they hold a different viewpoint
            I’ve become part of the problem

When I think “fake news” only originates in the other camp
            I’ve become part of the problem

When I only surround myself with people who agree with me
            I’ve become part of the problem

When I think that there are only two sides to any issue
            I’ve become part of the problem

When I think that I as a person am morally superior because my position is morally superior
            I’ve become part of the problem

When people close to me tell me to tone it down a bit
            I’ve become part of the problem.

When I never apologize or admit that I was wrong
            I’ve become part of the problem.

When my need to be right takes precedence over preserving a relationship
            I’ve become part of the problem

When I read this list and immediately think of other people who are guilty instead of looking at myself
          I've become part of the problem

Good news - it's never too late for an attitude adjustment.  If needed, now would be a good time to start.

A Way Out of the Gridlock

I've been thinking how I can improve the gridlock and negativity around me.  Obviously I can't turn things around by myself, but I can change the way I engage people who disagree with me.  And I think Janus has one of the keys to do that.

Janus was the two-faced Roman god who had two different faces on the same head.  The month of January was named after him because it marks the end of the previous year and the beginning of the new one.  Looking forward and looking back at the same time.  You’ll might see him carved on some older buildings over the doorway because one door is an both entrance and an exit.  

“Janusian thinking” is the ability to understand that two apparently contradictory ideas can both be true at the same time.  

It’s easy to think “Either/Or” when you have a conflict (the answer is either my way or your way, and only one of us can be right).  But that just makes each side yell louder, demonizes the other guy, and brings out the inner jerk in all of us.

Try to think about it this way - just because you’re right doesn't mean the other side has to be wrong.  Both/And ("Janusian") logic sees the strengths from all sides and looks for win-win solutions.

Take the topic of immigration for example (note: this is a vast oversimplification to make a point - negative rants on the topic will be deleted).  One side argues for inclusion - that the United States was and should remain a welcoming, safe nation for immigrants of all races and backgrounds.  The other side argues for the rule of law - that immigration should be regulated and done in an orderly fashion to protect national security.  

These two positions aren’t opposites - they're just different.  Both sides have a part of the truth, and policies that actually work need to include both.

Immigration is a large scale example, but the principle applies to all kinds of conflicts, right down to your own personal relationships. 

When people in power force a one-sided solution, it isn't effective in the long run.  The other side feels alienated and resentful, and when they get a chance they’ll just undo the previous work that was done.

Don’t keep that cycle going.  If you want to be a positive force for lasting change, you’ll need listen to all sides and find win-win solutions.  

It will take some humility and maturity, but you can do it if you practice. 

P.S. A good place to start is The 7 Steps to Understanding Template

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7 Steps to Better Understanding

You've probably read or heard this phrase in the past year, "Our nation has never been more divided."  I don't know if that's exactly true (thinking of the American Civil War), but I do know that people from all camps seem to be getting more angry, judgmental, and close-minded without actually engaging one other.

How about if each of us decides to reverse that trend, one at a time, in our own small way?  One great way to get a better grasp on things is to humble yourself and truly listen to a different opinion in a non-judgmental way.  

To that end I'm offering the following discussion template - 7 Steps to Better Understanding.  All you need to do is find someone who doesn't agree with you on a given topic (shouldn't be too hard, eh?). Then work through these steps one at a time - no shortcuts.

Dr. Stephen Covey wisely wrote,“Seek first to understand, then to be understood." So when you work through the template you're not allowed to counter with your opinions.  Good listening requires that you shut down your "automatic-rebuttal-response" and just hear what the other person is saying.  It's not easy, but do-able with a little practice. 

So here it is.  

7 Steps to Better Understanding

1. Ask another person, “What is your opinion on ______?”
2. Ask, “What events in your life helped to shape your opinion?”
3. Respectfully (no sarcasm) restate their viewpoint in your own words.
4. Ask them if you got it right.  If yes, then go to 6.  If not…
5. Ask, “what part am I not getting?”  Listen, then go back to 3.
6. Ask them how this exercise made them feel
7. Only offer your opinion if they ask.  If not, you’re done. 

Notes:

• This method works for a wide variety of conflicts 
• The only goal is to understand their viewpoint.  You don't need to agree with it
• No sarcasm or arguing.  If you can't do that, it's a maturity problem on your part, not theirs.
• You haven't fully understood their opinion unless they tell you that you have (step 4)
• You should have no expectation that you'll get to offer your opinion.  If you do, that's a bonus

I'm going to try this a few times and will tell you what I learn.  How about if you give it a shot as well?  You have nothing to lose and everything to gain.