Avoid These Five Clarity Killers

Note: I received more likes and comments on my last blog post about clarity than any other so far.  So I thought I’d unpack the topic a bit more.  I hope that one of these speaks to you so that you can get unstuck and keep moving forward.

Killer #1 - Looking for a Silver Bullet.  This killer comes from thinking that clarity on your life purpose will answer every unsolved issue in your life.  It won’t.  To be sure, clarity does help to “make sense” of life and brings focus and energy, but we’re talking about an overarching concept here.  Clarity doesn’t need to address every nuanced detail of your talents, history, and desires.  In fact the simpler it is, the more powerful its effect.

The antidote? Lower your expectations and learn to dance with the mysteries of life.  Look for the one thing that you really want to do, that uses your favorite talents, and propels you to make a real difference in the world.  Everything else is window dressing.

Killer #2 - Keeping your options open.  Are you hedging your bets?  Love to have a backup plan?  Honestly, that’s actually just the fear of failure.  But real clarity requires me to pick a path and say “no” to other options.  In fact, that’s a big part of its power - it clears away the clutter.  No more wandering around trying to find the perfect fit.  Just make up your mind and go for it. 

You might be under this killer’s influence if your life purpose statement overly broad.  Far too many people tell me their purpose is “To help people wherever I can,” or “To make the world a better place.”  If that’s your situation, you’ll need to do some deeper soul-searching and get more specific. 

Killer #3 - Expecting a lightning bolt to accompany it, or the Hallelujah Chorus, or goosebumps.  Fill in your expected epiphany signal here _______.  Clarity on your life purpose is so meaningful that when it shows up you may think it will arrive with fanfare.

But here’s the truth - because you live with yourself every day, and your exceptional talents come so easily to you, the tendency is to discount them as ordinary.  In fact, chances are very good that in the past month someone in your life complimented you on a key part of your life purpose, but it barely registered.  You may have even thought, “Thank you, Captain Obvious.”  And your search continues for something else “out there.”

Here's a helpful hack - be on the alert for unsolicited compliments and write them down. They’re a big clue to the strengths others see in you that you might be missing.

Hyper-hack - Speed up the process by proactively soliciting feedback from your friends and family.  You could try any one of these or make up your own:
     - What do you think are my top 5 strengths?
     - What’s the main impact that I bring to the world?
     - What do I seem most passionate about?

Killer #4 - Thinking that it’s locked in stone.  This one says, “How can I say with any kind of certainty what I’ll be doing twenty years from now?  My interests have already changed multiple times so far in my life, so they’re bound to change again.” 

The best way to deal with this one is to just accept that your understanding of your life purpose will change over time.  In fact, if it doesn’t change then you’re not growing as a person.  But that doesn’t get you off the hook of needing a guiding compass now. 

Try setting your sights only on the next three years and say, “To the best of my knowledge about the world and myself at this point in time, my purpose in life is _________.”  Then date it, and revisit it in 3-5 years. 

Killer #5 - Lack of self-awareness, is one of the most common hindrances.  Do you know how you’re wired?  Are you in touch with your passions and desires?  When do you feel like you’re most alive?  This is where skilled coaching can make a big difference. A certified life coach is trained to help you quickly gain clarity through assessment tools and powerful questions, and has a trained ear to be a sounding board. 

One of the greatest joys I have is helping my clients sort through the clutter in their minds to get in touch with their calling.  Then they can see their past life events differently, which transforms their outlook for the future.  Powerful!

Did I miss something?  What’s keeping you from zeroing in on your calling and being able to state it with confidence?  Let’s talk.

Clarity.

For years I struggled with the concept of understanding my “calling” or life purpose.  I know that I want to make a difference in the world, and I try to do that in small ways each day.  But I have a wide variety of interests, skills, and talents that don’t seem to come under one cohesive idea that I could say is my “calling.” 

This really bugs me, and it has for years.  Especially when someone asks me what I'd really like to do, or when I need to set some long range goals.  These trigger a downward spiral of angst and thoughts of “what do you want to be when you grow up?”

For decades I labored under a wrong mindset that clarity on my calling would come to me in an a-ha moment.  It would appear as some new overarching concept that would corral my complexity, explain why I am the way I am, and blaze a path forward into my future. 

But that magic moment never came.  I’d get insights and glimpses along the way, but then I’d complicate them with thoughts of “OK, but what about this area, and this skill, and this experience?  Where do they fit in?”  And then I’d be back in a muddle.

Then one morning I was journaling and I had an insight that changed everything.  Clarity isn't about explaining everything in your life.  Instead, it’s identifying the one thing that you know you want to do - that thing that’s already inside of you - and not getting distracted by everything else. 

It’s actually a process of removal - of burning off the fog of complication and outside expectations so only the one thing remains - and then protecting its simplicity.

So I decided to run with this new mindset.  I asked my gut, “without thinking about it, if someone asked you what your purpose is, what would you say?” And I just blurted it out – “Helping people find their calling.” (ironic, huh?)

This didn’t come as a lightning bolt - in fact it was kind of underwhelming.   I’ve been doing this for so long and I’m so close to it that I actually devalued it.   I thought that if it was that important it needed to be harder, or more complex, or more difficult.  Turns out that’s not the case.

Now I’m using my mental energy to keep it simple and not overcomplicate it.

How about you?  What's your main thing?  Are you overcomplicating it or thinking it’s not good enough?  I’d love to hear your thoughts.

Too Many Choices and My Menu Dilemma

Have you ever found yourself being overwhelmed by all the different options available to you?  The last time I went on Amazon to buy something, they presented me with so many varieties and price points that it almost took me longer to make a selection than it would have been to go to the store and just buy the thing.

If this has happened to you, it could be the way you’re processing your decisions.  Let me explain…

Throughout your school years and in most adult job situations, your brain has been trained to make the “right” choice or the “best” choice among many options.  And when you succeed, you reward yourself with a positive feeling that you’ve conquered an assignment, or even that you’re a better person because you chose “correctly” and didn't make a mistake.

Unfortunately, when faced with a choice that’s simply a matter of taste (movies, grocery items, clothing, etc.) it’s hard to turn that programming off, and your brain still automatically tries to find the best choice.  But in most cases there really isn’t a best choice, and your brain can get stuck in an endless cycle trying to figure things out.

A better way

The ah-ha answer for me came several years ago when I was sitting in a restaurant with my wife.  I was staring at the menu once again faced with too many choices, and I asked myself why I labor over this every time we go out to eat.  And then it hit me - I don’t need to pick the best entree in order to enjoy myself - I just need to pick something adequate.   And that simple revelation immediately freed up my brain to enjoy the rest of dining experience (being with my wife, a new atmosphere, being served, etc.).

So the next time you’re getting overwhelmed with choices, try this instead:

1. Ask yourself - Am I stuck trying to find the “best” choice?
2. Tell yourself (in matters of taste) that there’s no such thing as a best choice
3. Make an adequate choice instead
4. Feel good that you made a decision
5. Choose to enjoy the rest of the experience

Who knows? By choosing adequate, you just may begin to discover some new things that you’ve been passing over in search of the best.

Now, if I can just remember this the next time I need to pick a Netflix show...

Q & A: Why did you become a coach?

I'm often asked why I decided to become a professional coach.  The truth is, I had been "coaching" for about 15 years just because I love the process, but I didn't know it.  

In this short video, I tell a story of a woman who helped to open my eyes.  I hope you enjoy this little bit of my history...

Signs that I’ve become part of the problem

True confession - I’ve been guilty of all these at some point - some more than others.  You?

When I think that the "rightness" of my cause exempts me from my obligation to treat everyone with respect
           I've become part of the problem

When I forget that I always carry a bias
            I’ve become part of the problem

When I can't acknowledge that an opposing worldview has any good points to consider
            I've become part of the problem

When I assume that I know all of someone’s beliefs
            I’ve become part of the problem

When I dismiss violence toward any person or group as justified “payback”
            I’ve become part of the problem

When I enjoy seeing my enemies humiliated
            I’ve become part of the problem

When I resort to vulgar language
            I’ve become part of the problem   

When I clean up my language to appear civil, but am no less insulting
            I've become part of the problem

When I support censorship (of any kind) to silence the opposition
            I’ve become part of the problem

When I mock the leaders of an opposing viewpoint…
When I mock everyday people who support that leader…
Heck, when I mock anyone
            I’ve become part of the problem

When I dismiss evidence simply because it came from an opposition source
            I’ve become part of the problem

When I resort to using red herrings, hypotheticals, and confuse the issue instead of engaging in logical debate
            I’ve become part of the problem

When I’m easily offended
            I’ve become part of the problem

When I become an offense broker for other people
            I’ve become part of the problem

When I’m intellectually arrogant
            I’ve become part of the problem

When I discount the life experiences that other people have been through
            I’ve become part of the problem

When I think that posting on social media fulfills my obligation to alleviate human suffering
            I’ve become part of the problem

When I de-friend someone simply because they hold a different viewpoint
            I’ve become part of the problem

When I think “fake news” only originates in the other camp
            I’ve become part of the problem

When I only surround myself with people who agree with me
            I’ve become part of the problem

When I think that there are only two sides to any issue
            I’ve become part of the problem

When I think that I as a person am morally superior because my position is morally superior
            I’ve become part of the problem

When people close to me tell me to tone it down a bit
            I’ve become part of the problem.

When I never apologize or admit that I was wrong
            I’ve become part of the problem.

When my need to be right takes precedence over preserving a relationship
            I’ve become part of the problem

When I read this list and immediately think of other people who are guilty instead of looking at myself
          I've become part of the problem

Good news - it's never too late for an attitude adjustment.  If needed, now would be a good time to start.

A Way Out of the Gridlock

I've been thinking how I can improve the gridlock and negativity around me.  Obviously I can't turn things around by myself, but I can change the way I engage people who disagree with me.  And I think Janus has one of the keys to do that.

Janus was the two-faced Roman god who had two different faces on the same head.  The month of January was named after him because it marks the end of the previous year and the beginning of the new one.  Looking forward and looking back at the same time.  You’ll might see him carved on some older buildings over the doorway because one door is an both entrance and an exit.  

“Janusian thinking” is the ability to understand that two apparently contradictory ideas can both be true at the same time.  

It’s easy to think “Either/Or” when you have a conflict (the answer is either my way or your way, and only one of us can be right).  But that just makes each side yell louder, demonizes the other guy, and brings out the inner jerk in all of us.

Try to think about it this way - just because you’re right doesn't mean the other side has to be wrong.  Both/And ("Janusian") logic sees the strengths from all sides and looks for win-win solutions.

Take the topic of immigration for example (note: this is a vast oversimplification to make a point - negative rants on the topic will be deleted).  One side argues for inclusion - that the United States was and should remain a welcoming, safe nation for immigrants of all races and backgrounds.  The other side argues for the rule of law - that immigration should be regulated and done in an orderly fashion to protect national security.  

These two positions aren’t opposites - they're just different.  Both sides have a part of the truth, and policies that actually work need to include both.

Immigration is a large scale example, but the principle applies to all kinds of conflicts, right down to your own personal relationships. 

When people in power force a one-sided solution, it isn't effective in the long run.  The other side feels alienated and resentful, and when they get a chance they’ll just undo the previous work that was done.

Don’t keep that cycle going.  If you want to be a positive force for lasting change, you’ll need listen to all sides and find win-win solutions.  

It will take some humility and maturity, but you can do it if you practice. 

P.S. A good place to start is The 7 Steps to Understanding Template

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7 Steps to Better Understanding

You've probably read or heard this phrase in the past year, "Our nation has never been more divided."  I don't know if that's exactly true (thinking of the American Civil War), but I do know that people from all camps seem to be getting more angry, judgmental, and close-minded without actually engaging one other.

How about if each of us decides to reverse that trend, one at a time, in our own small way?  One great way to get a better grasp on things is to humble yourself and truly listen to a different opinion in a non-judgmental way.  

To that end I'm offering the following discussion template - 7 Steps to Better Understanding.  All you need to do is find someone who doesn't agree with you on a given topic (shouldn't be too hard, eh?). Then work through these steps one at a time - no shortcuts.

Dr. Stephen Covey wisely wrote,“Seek first to understand, then to be understood." So when you work through the template you're not allowed to counter with your opinions.  Good listening requires that you shut down your "automatic-rebuttal-response" and just hear what the other person is saying.  It's not easy, but do-able with a little practice. 

So here it is.  

7 Steps to Better Understanding

1. Ask another person, “What is your opinion on ______?”
2. Ask, “What events in your life helped to shape your opinion?”
3. Respectfully (no sarcasm) restate their viewpoint in your own words.
4. Ask them if you got it right.  If yes, then go to 6.  If not…
5. Ask, “what part am I not getting?”  Listen, then go back to 3.
6. Ask them how this exercise made them feel
7. Only offer your opinion if they ask.  If not, you’re done. 

Notes:

• This method works for a wide variety of conflicts 
• The only goal is to understand their viewpoint.  You don't need to agree with it
• No sarcasm or arguing.  If you can't do that, it's a maturity problem on your part, not theirs.
• You haven't fully understood their opinion unless they tell you that you have (step 4)
• You should have no expectation that you'll get to offer your opinion.  If you do, that's a bonus

I'm going to try this a few times and will tell you what I learn.  How about if you give it a shot as well?  You have nothing to lose and everything to gain.

Covenant House Sleep Out 2016

Once again, I want to thank all my family and friends who supported me in the Covenant House Sleep Out   With your generosity our full team was able to raise over $1.8 million to help homeless youth in the NYC metropolitan area.

Just a few observations from the evening...

1) It’s absolutely heartbreaking to hear the stories of abuse, neglect, and dehumanization that some of the kids have gone through.  It truly makes you thankful for how good your own life has been.  But then to see the progress, healing, and resiliency they demonstrate through the help of Covenant House (“the Cov” as the kids call it) gives you renewed hope and encouragement.

2) I was very impressed with some cutting edge studies that the Cov is doing in the area of human trafficking.  They have top notch legal experts and sociologists who are serving with their expertise to get to the core of this problem, and their findings are being cited by other organizations globally because of the reliability of their research.  Come to find out that homelessness is a big risk factor for human trafficking.

BTW, when I hear “trafficking” I used to think “transport” or shipping people - as often seen on TV.  That does happen, but really 95% of the problem happens right at home with locals who are “groomed” by recruiters and then forced into being sex workers (85%) or manual laborers (15%).

3) You can literally “feel” the love and security in the property at The Cov.  They call it a “sacred space,” where everyone is treated with respect and dignity because they were made in the image of the God who loves them.  And I could see over and over through the testimonies and meeting the staff that they all live this out every day.  It makes a huge difference.

If you’re ever in the NYC area, consider visiting Covenant House in either Manhattan or Newark, NJ just to see the quality of care and to feel the amazing love that is available for the teens.   They arrive broken in so many ways but the joy of seeing lives being healed, and futures being restored will make you realize that your investment in Covenant House is well worth it.

May you and your families have a blessed Christmas season, and thank you again for being a part of the Sleep-Out.

Warmest regards,
Pete

P.S.  Enjoy some pictures from the event below.

Candlelight vigil in Herald Square before the Sleep Out.  Those are the Macy's window displays in the background.

Listening to a presentation on the excellent work CH is doing to address human trafficking (that's me in the NY Giants shirt).

My friend Jason speaking with Deepak Chopra.  Yes, THE Deepak Chopra.  He joined the Sleep Out, and we had a chance to pray with him.

My team.  Rich Seidler is 3rd from the left, and is the one to blame for recruiting me into this 2 years ago.

The actual Sleep Out.  The hoodie came in handy to block out the light from the street, and earplugs help block the noise.  Much more bearable this year (48 degrees and no rain).

Caring for your Lamborghini

If you owned a Lamborghini, how well would you take care of it?

Lately, I’m pretty shocked at how rapidly the core morals of our society are being eroded and even legislated against. New social engineers are telling us that any restraints placed on our sexual behavior, gender identity, and value on human life are outdated, stifling, and are only there to keep us from experiencing true enjoyment.

But what if we’re looking at it the wrong way?  What if God’s commandments are really given to us because of His love for us?

I like to look at it this way.  Think of God as the manufacturer who made us – and we’re an incredibly complex machine capable of incredible feats.  He made a handbook to tell us how to operate and maintain our machine – the Manufacturer’s Manual.  That manual is the record of His commandments for us.

If we follow the suggested maintenance and usage guidelines, the machine operates at its optimum - the way is was designed to be.  If we ignore the instructions, the machine doesn’t run well, and may even suffer irreparable damage.

Can you imagine someone with an expensive Lamborghini saying, “I don’t care what the manufacturer says, I’m going to use this car any way I want to.  No one is going to tell me what to do!”  And then he never changes the oil, revs the engine too high in the wrong gears, puts the wrong sized tires on it, and tries to drive it off-road like a Jeep?  That would be crazy and it will ruin the car in very short order.

But I think that’s the way we act when we ignore our Manufacturer’s instructions.   God gives us His commands out of love.  He knows how He made us, what’s best for us, and what will hurt us.  He gives us behavioral boundaries for our lives because he knows that violating them will cause heartache, physical and psychological damage.  He loves us and wants the best for us.  

So next time you’re faced with radical statements telling you to embrace what God has clearly prohibited, just remember – He’s not trying to make you miserable.  He’s trying to protect you and help you function according to the design and purposes for which you are made.  And that is what brings true fulfillment.

Be Who You Is

“Be who you is. ‘Cause if you ain’t who you is,  then you is who you ain’t”  

I just love this quote (attributable to Harry Hein & others).  For some reason it’s common to identify an area where we have low or moderate ability and then compare ourselves to someone who happens to be an expert. The result is feeling inadequate and demoralized - it’s a real confidence killer.

My older brother, John, is a real charmer. He’s outgoing, funny, confident, and had big dimples when he was a kid making him the “mascot” of our neighborhood. He’ll still strike up a conversation with any stranger, and can quickly get them to open up to him.

Growing up in his shadow posed some challenges for me. No matter how hard I tried I never felt I could measure up in the same way, socially. And the more I tried to be like him, the more awkward things got. That led to me telling myself that I couldn’t socialize well. Which, if you know me today, just isn’t true.

The same might be true for you. Have you compared yourself to a very high standard of socialization and come up short? If so here are some things to tell yourself to help put things into perspective.

1) You probably couldn’t handle being highly popular, and you probably wouldn’t enjoy it either. We all have different capacities to manage friendships at different levels. Being socially popular takes a lot of time - time that you probably would prefer to spend on other things. 

2) Your talents point the way to your purpose – If you’re an introverted, detailed person who loves to focus on concrete facts rather than on people, chances are that your life purpose isn’t going to be in role that requires a high level of socializing and relational nuance.

3) High visibility brings it’s own set of problems and constraints, so don’t envy that popular person too much. They are always under pressure to remember multiple conversations, personal details, and the latest social politics that can change quickly. They need to be guarded about how they express their true opinions, and they face jealousy from others because of their popularity.

So instead of trying to be someone you’re not, why not focus on becoming the best you that you can be.